I have this bad habit...one that I keep thinking, with prayer, will go away never to resurface. It's a habit that I don't have a clue of it's origination. God is my provider and in Him I truly trust so I don't know why this habit ever surfaces! My cup runneth over most of the time and if it's not it's half full, but never half empty. I'm not gloating or boasting, I just know that I know that I know that God IS who He says and He DOES more than enough for me.
I'm an extremely happy person who feels so blessed in her life. I love God, and desire to serve Him to the best of my abilities. I have a loving family who cares deeply for me. I have great friends whom I can talk to about anything, laugh with, joke with, and irritate from time to time. I have a fabulous dog, named Jasper whom I ADORE!! He's my baby :) I even got teary eyed last night (and as I type this) thinking about the lifespan of a lab (7-9 years) and already know how much I will miss him! I have so much that fills my life with goodness; God, a good job, family, friends, roof over my head, and an awesome support system in my church.
But, never fails...every 3 to 4 years (since I've been out of high school and on my own) I have this terrible habit of being bored with my life and having no clue what or where I'm supposed to be. Usually during these times I am very spontaneous, or I am easily angered (so unlike me), or I do stupid stuff, or I pick up and move. This state of mind is very unsettling and it DRIVES ME CRAZY!
Let's have a break down:
- 1997 graduated high school
- 1998 moved to Mtn. Home w/college roommates, two semesters later in 1999 I move back home, college roommates transferred
- 2000 moved back to Mtn. Home into an apartment...that same year had to move because apartment mgr said I was going & doing too much running when I should be saving money!
- 2000 bought my first little home (cutest little mobile you ever saw!) and stayed in Mtn. Home, even changed my residency to Arkansas. I know, I was a traitor to my Missouri roots :) hahaha
- 2002 proposed to right before Thanksgiving and he left me a month later to marry some other chick! Don't even get me started!
- 2003 just up and decided I wanted to sell out and move home, in with my sister, so I could go back to college and finish
- 2006 yes...took me 9 years, but I finally graduated with my Bachelor's degree
- 2007 finally decided that it was time for me to be in my own home again, so I bought my second cute little mobile home - this is where I currently reside and someone needs to buy it because it's a dandy little house!
- 2011 very fortunate to have the opportunity to purchase a place where I've always wanted to live - will be moving there in a few months
- In between those years I had four different jobs; the fourth one is where I'm at now and plan to be for a very long time; Lord willing of course! I'm very settled in the career field. I lurve my job :) But the life field, uhhhh not so much!
So, in case you're wondering, it's been 4 years this August since I moved the last time, as you can see by the rough timeline. This spontaneous, bored, and unsettled state of mind has once again resurfaced. This time it was weird though. Usually it slowly creeps in and is a slow process to surface. This time something sparked it and ignited it like a wildfire....causing it to hit me like a ton of bricks! I'm happy with life so I haven't a clue why I'm so unsettled and why it comes around every 3 or 4 years. I sure hope this routine isn't like the 7 or 13 or 17 year cicadas..whichever it is..because their buzzing, like the state of mind I'm in, is very annoying!
I keep thinking, if I were married and had children would I get tired of them after 3 or 4 years and just want to pick up and move on? Scary thought if you ask me. Truth be known and if I wanted to be 110% honest with myself....that there very sentence is the missing part, I think, to my life. That's what I think sparks my feelings of unsettledness and boredom. I have more in my life than I ever wanted except that. God and I have this talk frequently when I'm praying for my soul mate; wherever he is. I tell Him I know I'll still love Him and be happy if that piece is not apart of the life plan He designed for me. I will...but I have to learn how to let Him help me get through these boredom stages in my life. But, I also have faith that God didn't create me to be single. He did create me to find my independence; which I have and I needed to find it desperately. I believe and know there is a God-loving hunky feller out there searching for me. He's having a hard time finding me. Probably because I live in the middle of nowhere and work in the retirement mecca of the world!
There are few things that stress me out. But this, this is the biggie! This gets me down. This makes me cry. This makes me mad. This makes me wonder why this piece of my life has to be so hard. This also makes me cling to God more, too :)
Arrgg, my mind! Thanks for letting me unload my crazy thoughts on you today. I'm not desperate, by no means. If I were, I could have already snatched up a couple two or three scuzzos! Not being judgmental, but you all know people who fit that scuzzo description. hahaha I would just love to go on a date. Even though the relationship of 2002 was a very hard time for me, I so miss going on dates. I miss someone to talk to who's not my sister, my parents or my girlfriends. I miss someone opening the door for me and pulling out the chair for me to miss as I'm sitting down! Hahaha oh dear me! I miss some one holding my hand and guiding me through a crowd :) And yes, I miss someone treating me as if I'm the only person in the world when they're staring into my eyes and telling me they love me. I know, gag right!
Until next time . . .
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